Saturday, December 02, 2006

Radio No

Distinct lack of radio shows lately, disaster struck this week as I was unable to do the show due to illness. Thursday was a really bad day as I had to play at Backlash's third birthday that night also and had to choose one thing to do as I didn't have the health to do both. Apparently I am allergic to winter (or heating or fucking something), which is great as I am heartily looking forward to a Christmas of sitting inside, feeling weak, (on the days I'm not working) struggling for breath and trying to bore my finger into my left ethmoid sinus.


So what all this means is.....a doubly good show this week, which I will strive hard to make. Also had to cancel playing at the Space Camp night at Rogue, which is intensely annoying given I practised all week for a slightly different set to usual with some weirder tunes than usual. Guess I'll keep that set for the New Year when hopefully I'll feel a little better.


Not to go all Xmas guilt here but it actually is boggling how much we take our health for granted, and what the body is capable of (or incapable of) when not functioning correctly. What a worthless shell it can be, and yet from the outside everything still looks the same. I don't know what kind of damage having to force yourself to act normal when you feel not just bad, but so bad that you can't listen to what someone is saying properly, that you begin to think you need to sit down instead, does to your psyche. Probably not a lot, though you genuinely feel WEIRD, in the truest sense of the word. Still, if anything I've also learned how resilient the mind is, through all this. But you know, the bizarre thing is anyone can get struck down with a long term illness, and yes I know of course others are dying and terminally ill and far worse off than me, but it still is so utterly......I can't even say UNLUCKY cos it's not unlucky it's just the reality of a world on which we are actually just animals aswell....things happen to us which we can't control, and that is a fact that sometimes life makes you realise with blunt conviction.


I think in a situation where things are going really badly, for whatever reason, and seem utterly fucking hopeless, you actually realise how when things are going well people believe, if not necessarily in god or faith (tho some do) that their life is on some sort of course, that there is something guiding it. What I mean is that when things are going well, bad things can seem like a blip. How many times has someone said "oh it'll be ok" as a response to something bad? And most of the time, 99.9999999 percent of the time, they're right. It is ok, because things resolves themselves, the problem goes away, you meet the person a week later and something else is the problem, you progress, and everyone is happy.


But life doesn't go this way for everyone, it simply doesn't. Things happen which refuse to be resolved, which linger, which force people into daily confrontation, which mean you meet that person a week later, or a month later, or 6 months later and you want to lie about what your little story is. Why? Because it's the exact same story, nothing has resolved itself, nothing has changed, you haven't changed. And nobody knows how to deal with the stubborness of this impasse, least of all yourself. Feeling contented is normality, resolution is normality, closure is normality, all else is deviation. It sometimes feels like the world around you tugs you towards this resolution even when it just can't happen. Like when you watch the news and they end a story about a missing person in that false sombre tone that says "we may never know what happened to.........". But why may we never know? What they're really saying is "if we never find out what happened to this person, that's ok, because we're putting this in the mystery box, and that means it's over". Every story must have an end otherwise it's no good is it?


It's almost like we've come to believe, because most of what happens to is so joyously minor, that things naturally just work themselves out. "Things naturally just work themselves out", it sounds so perfect and sensible and plausible. But it's just our way of explaining the fact that nothing happens to us for the vast majority of our lives.

When things go wrong and just won't go right, whether health or whatever else, this veneer of optimism is just destroyed. You realise that there is no plan! There is no consistency except an illusory one. Nothing is protecting you from the abyss that in theory is around the next corner. Happiness really is fleeting, contentedness, normality....just the same.


Right now I can't actually remember what it physically feels like to feel normal, to feel like going somewhere, to breath deeply without worrying about the breath, to think thoughts for any length of time not filtered through bodily malfunction (and imagine what a genuine terminal illness or one of the thousands of conditions ten times more debilitating than mine, a trifle, must be like)


I don't know which is sadder, when you first stop doing things like drinking or going out and feel disappointed, or when a year down the line you realise that you no longer even entertain the notion of doing these things, that you have almost succeeded in killing off the part of you that used to be excited by them, that wants to do them, life can change so quickly and so dramatically.


Even within something terrible happening to you, and I suspect this is even true of people going through really fucking awful soul destroying tragedies which dwarf mine (which is basically a life consuming nuisance), even within whatever awful shit happens I think we find footholds of control and cling on to them. We find ways to think we are back in control again, rather than just floating in the wind at the whim of circumstance...we find a hope to cling on to or something to make us believe it isn't all that bad...but what do we know? It's just a fucking stab in the dark. Imagine how people who suffer multiple deaths in a family must feel, it must cause a total lack of faith in "life", in everything about normality and living and being a human being. They must see then that we are none of us in control. Illness or accident or death, the phrase "these things happen" is quite apt, happen being a passive verb, they happen, we suffer, there is no perpetrator. So we hope that they never happen to us, ironically without any idea of what we're afraid of, anyway mostly they don't happen to us.


The more I think about it the more I think that everyone has this underlying faith...even the most hardened atheist, subconsciously at least. To live every day and to enjoy life is to believe in the myth that we are actually in control. It's funny...I spent most of my late teens and early 20s going out and making every effort to lose control...and now it's lost completely well, it's not the same loss is it....back then I was 19...now I feel 90.

6 Comments:

Anonymous chewy said...

romo, i didnt realise you were dishing out quality psychological musings as well as quality minimal music. Interesting read, i had no idea how bad you were feeling, take things easy till the christmas party at least.Hope things start to look up for you soon.
p.s...nice blog!

8:23 PM  
Blogger Ronan said...

thanks chew...backlash has been the one thing keeping me sane....not always so bad just the last 2-3 weeks have been shit!

will see you next week or at xmas party...

4:36 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Faint hint of the love of friendship

Faint hint of the love of friendship. There is a friend, I think that is a cheap wow gold kind of love and friendship between the feelings between, you will occasionally miss a time to silence him, reminds him, the warm heart, a beautiful, a moving. Sad and worried at the time, you will think of him, you hope that he can in your side, give you comfort and buy wow power leveling understanding to you, and you never talk to him, are you afraid of their own grief that would preclude him from peaceful life.

You will be a song, a color, think of him, think of my wow gold his sincerity, he reminds me of the dedication, his mind had gone through the ups and downs together. With such a friend, you will treasure their lives and love their own lives, because you know I hope you had a good, he would like you to take care of themselves properly, and then to meet, he cheapest wow power leveling would like you to tell him you very happy.

That the concept of secularism, in your mind, because his replica replica rolex presence has become pale and weak, you are only in the depths of the bottom of my heart for this man set up a small space, stick with that quietly happy memories, from the the very beginning you know that you will not have any love, it seems that talk about love on the desecration CHEAP wow power level of this emotion, this can only be a friendship. This is how in the end all about? You want to for many years, but no clue.

You seldom have contacts in this long life, you meet the door may be only a few of the ten thousandth time, but in each other's hearts retain a miss, one asked, even if he went to the ends of the earth, even after many, many years, even BUY power leveling when the meet again, has long been a non-object is not, you still remember back as a profound, and this has been sufficient.

Sometimes life will calm a dry, maybe you will fall into the dry I replica rolex replica did this, perhaps what you do not have love, perhaps early HUAFA, full sideburns pale, but with such a friend, in the your life will ripple slightly, a little color, do you think of him. He remembered the quiet, perhaps the Health and cheap lotro gold the WHO will not forget.

Am grateful for you in this world, there is such a person, he is replica rolex not around you, he did not do anything for you, but you hope that he would have been very good, long life, happiness well-being ... ...

Am glad you had a feeling like that, pure and long, in this complex CHEAPEST power leveling world, there are such a friend, it is worth to cheap rs gold lbless you to miss ... ...

12:18 AM  
Blogger mxcm said...

your article is excellent,i really love it. hoping to read your following post

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ed Hardy | Ed Hardy Clothing |
Cheap Ed Hardy | Ed Hardy Sale

11:52 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Not Ed Hardy Mens Underwear every Ed Hardy Mens Shoes mother Ed Hardy Swimwear wants Ed Hardy Womens T-Shirt to Ed Hardy Womens Tops avoid Ed Hardy Womens Tanks a C-section Ed Hardy Womens Hoodies in fact Ed Hardy Womens Jeans some Ed Hardy Womens Shoes request Cheap Ed Hardy Tops them but Cheap Ed Hardy Shoes if you Cheap Ed Hardy Jeans do here Cheap Ed Hardy Hoodies are some Cheap Ed Hardy T Shirts tips for Cheap Ed Hardy Swimwear what to Tiffany Earring ask Tiffany Ring your Tiffany Cuff Link doctor Links London Pendants or Links London sweetie midwife Links London heart charm in the Cheap Links of London Charms delivery Cheap Links of London Sweetie Bracelets room if Cheap Links of London Sweetie Watches the suggestion Cheap Links of London Friendship Bracelets is made Cheap Links of London Bracelets that its Cheap Links of London Necklaces time to give up

10:26 PM  
Anonymous wedding flowers said...

To select from is indeed significantly wide that you will find elaborate jewelry designs in addition to elegant and straightforward designs. pandora.Buying clothes for comfort can also be yet another practical factor. However, we have a pre-conceived notion that comfortable clothes are not usually stylish and cause you to be appear cool. pandora uk.Positive thing there exists Ed Hardy Clothing. These clothes, although stylish, come in lightweight and comfortable material - permitting individuals to move freely. pandora. A person word of advice-I would prevent acquiring any specific silver jewelry that's not sterling. Pandora Jewelry. Repelling any terrible ingredient during the heavy snow as well as nippy wind, it keeps toes warm along with dry anytime all through winter. ghd sale.Necklaces who have similar sized beads work effectively on tall women and chokers help decrease each side height. ghd straighteners.It truly is accurate cheap Ugg Boots provide method aficionados terrific in addition to broad possibilities to spice up their shows. rrncluding a white and pink compact mirror.ugg boots sale.Longer necklaces aid lengthen each side round or square faces.wedding rings Furthermore they add length when worn beneath the bust-line but above the waist.

1:12 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home