Monday, October 16, 2006

Due to alot of chronic but not life threatening medical problems, I've had about 3 beers in the last 5 or 6 months, and I can't remember the last time I got drunk. As for drugs, I haven't done any in even longer, and probably never will again. The great irony of this is that I actually feel everything that the stereotypical anti-drugs pamphlet tells you drugs will do to you ten times more intensely now that I don't take any. Paranoia, depression, anti-social behaviour, none of these were problems when I was taking ecstasy every week. Makes me laugh really. (that's laugh internally, without any external registration of this laugh, eg smile, that would break the trance of self denial I have imposed)

Does this say something about me, or something about society? I don't know, perhaps a little of both. Or perhaps it just says that yes, using drugs expands or shrinks (depending on your opinions of them) your mind permanently, far beyond the days when you use them. Who knows? Perhaps the truly negative effects come in long after the dust has settled.

I do know that people really ask you about going out drinking and doing drugs quite often, you don't notice this when it's the basis for small talk, however when it becomes the basis for "" and conversation death then you do notice it. Whatever loop I was in, and I don't believe it was one of psychotic drug abuse, I am now out of it. Perhaps other people have a different loop, I don't know anyone who does though.

Saturday nights are interesting, I know they used to be exciting but now, the air of excitement around the city as I go home from work has a sort of surreal edge to it for me. I sometimes think I am not actually a human being because I don't feel it. This is not to say I am massively depressed, it actually just feels as I said it does, unreal. Like being on drugs constantly. I laugh at things that aren't funny, I watch myself serving a customer at work and think it's amusing that people are all out shopping, buying stuff, making small talk, going out on Saturday nights, LIVING.

LIVING is kind of absurd, it's something you never think about it until you are forced to by illness or perhaps by a tragic event. Now I think about every action, and analyse it. At first this was just because I was reminded that my body is not working correctly everytime I did something. But now I think about everything in a detached way, because many normal things have become sort of alien to me. Are some things we do and take for granted when living actually absurd? Is daily life just a sort of system we are all plugged into? I realise these aren't revolutionary thoughts, but being consumed with them is a rare feeling.

The urge to do something ridiculous and see if, perhaps, I might disrupt all this LIVING and cause something to happen is sometimes there for me.

Anyway I know well how these things shouldn't be discussed in public ; )

Here are the records I've been listening to that remind me of the above feeling.

Shonky-Fear The Cocos (Resopal Red)

Reynold-Over There (Donato Dozzy Mix) (Persona Recordings)